What Hurts The Most (Follow up To Bluest Eyes In Texas)

2010
Jon stood under the darkening skies at her grave, his Izzy's grave. It was strange to him he still considered her his, even though he'd driven her away with is stupidity.

He'd heard the song on the radio this morning, and the words reverberated in his heart.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

 God how he missed her, she'd been gone 2 years but it was still fresh and tender in his heart. Richie and Kim tried to help him, David and Tico tried too but he wasn't having any of it. He blamed himself, he knew rationally that he shouldn't. It had been an accident. A stupid drunk driver had hit her head on and she'd died instantly, while the jerk driving the other car had walked away without a scratch. But if I hadn't driven her away with my stupidity...

No one could convince Jon that it wasn't his fault. The guys in the band and even the fans has noticed that Jon was withdrawing into himself, becoming a shell of the man he once was before Izzy died.

The clouds that had been pressing in and darkening rapidly suddenly broke open and within seconds Jon was drenched to the bone. He didn't care, but he knew that Kim and Richie would be all over him about standing out in the rain.

Heading back to the car, Jon headed back to Richie and Kim's house. He'd pretty much moved in with them since Izzy's death two years before, he couldn't stand to be alone, even in his own house. He sold the house, and most of his possessions, and moved into the guest house with his brother and Kim.

Jon opened the door to the main house and his ears were assailed with the squeal of a two year old girl "Unca Joooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn" and soon the blur was attached to his legs.

Bending down he scooped the child up, "How's my Frizzy Francis girl?" Jon hugged the toddler to his chest inhaling the scent of childhood innocence. "I not Fizzy Fancis Unca Jon, I just Fancis memba" Francis looked at him with all the anger a 2 year old could muster. "Oh yes ma'am I remember now Francis, Uncle Jon's sorry." Jon replied hugging the little girl to his chest again. Setting her back down on the floor Francis took off back to watching Teletubbies on the TV.

Kim rounded the corner, her rapidly swelling belly announcing her presence before she entered the room. "Hey sweetie, how are you?" She asked taking in Jon's swollen red eyes the tired look he seemed to carry with him like a coat now. "I'm ok Kimmy how's R.J.?" Jon smiled patting her stomach. "He's driving his mommy crazy already, just like his daddy." she laughed. "Where is Rich anyway?" Jon questioned.

"He's out in the studio, you want me to go get him?" Kim asked. "Nah I'll just head out there myself, you need to get off your feet anyway." Jon smiled heading out the backdoor toward the studio.

"Hey Rich man!" Jon called as he entered the studio. "Over here Jon." Richie called from inside the studio, "Just working on a mix for a cover song."

"Cool let's hear it..." Jon replied, sitting down at the mixing board and switching on the recording mechanism. He always liked to record their jam sessions just in case something great happened.

"Jon man this one's for you." Richie said, sitting down at the piano and launching into a cover of Blackhawk's Ships of Heaven

"Don't cry for me when I'm gone
Keep the faith and be strong
'Cause through it all I've been blessed
I faced my fears
And I've passed the test
So when you look up in the sky
On a sunny day
Imagine me drifting away

I'll be sailing on the ships of heaven
When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you

Remember all the times we had
Some were great and some were sad
But you know that in the end
Our love was stronger then when we began
No unforgiven sins and no regrets
Just the times of our lives that we'll
Never Forget

I'll be sailing on the ships of heaven
When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you

I'll be sailing on the ships of heaven
When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you

When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you

On the ships of heaven
I come sailing back to you..."

When Richie finished the song, he looked up to see Jon bury his face in his hands and his shoulders shake with the sobs pouring out of him. Richie headed into the booth, placing a hand on Jon' shoulder. "Jon man, I know...believe me I know man. I miss her too."

Jon stood and wrapped his arms around his brother. "Rich, oh Rich, if I'd only known...man I'd of married her in a heartbeat. I miss her so much Richie."

"Jon, man go to her...tell her...you've never been one at a loss for words." Richie said.

**********************************************************************************
Six Months Later

Jon again stood at the cemetery...only this time it was under sunny skies, and he had his guitar with him. "Hey Izzy girl, I wrote something for you baby girl. I hope you like it,cuz it's just for you baby."

"Are you out there?
Can you hear me?
Do you know my whereabouts?
Do you know what I'm all about?
Through the static you're so close, so far away
Are you listening?
I'm desperate.
Sendin' out an S.O.S.
'Cause I'm lost I must confess
Throw a lifeline
I'm down here drownin'
In the deepest part of me
Chorus:
Satellite
Can you feel me?
Satellite
Come and heal me
Are you watchin' over me tonight?
I need to know you're out there
Satellite
Are your lines open and receiving?
You know I got so much to say
I just don't want to fade away
Keep on talkin' 'cause you're keeping' me alive
Chorus:
Satellite
Can you feel me?
Satellite
Come and heal me
Are you watchin' over me tonight
I need to know y9ou're out there
Satellite
Everybody hurts
Everybody cries
Everybody needs someone
To save them sometimes
Everybody hurts
Everybody cries
Everybody needs someone
To save them sometimes
Chorus:
Satellite
Can you feel me?
Satellite
Come and heal me
Are you watchin' over me tonight
I need to know you're out there"

"I miss you baby...forever." Jon smiled down at the gravestone, placing a kiss on his fingertips he brushed them across her name. Then slowly made his way out of the cemetery.

The Bluest Eyes In Texas

2010

"That lonesome Texas sun was setting slow
And in the rear view mirror, I watched it go
I can still see wind in her golden hair
I close my eyes for a moment, and I'm still there."

Richie looked over at the man who had been his best friend for more than 25 years. He knew Jon was hurting,  hell he was hurting for him. Texas was always a blast to play or at least it had been, until Izzy happened. Jon had spotted the golden red haired, blue eyed beauty at a restaurant in Dallas one night on the tour in 2003. She had been with her family having a meal, and hadn't even noticed the band walk in unlike everyone else. 

******************************************************

2003

Jon was intrigued, most women even if they weren't fans appreciated his good looks and stared. Izzy was different, she glanced around the room, locking eyes briefly with Jon, and then to his astonishment, turned back to her family and continued her dinner with no second glance back at him. In that moment, Jon was smitten, he knew that women fawned over his baby blues, but Izzy had the most intense blue eyes he'd ever seen, blue enough to rival his own.

Jon decided then and there he had to meet this lovely woman. As she and her family stood to leave, Jon walked over and introduced himself. She was unfazed, almost as if she didn't  recognize him even when he introduced himself. A bit embarrassed at his own boldness, which confused him even more Jon continued to talk with the beautiful woman and her family. Making her promise to come to the show the following night. As Izzy and her family left, Jon was elated, he'd had the opportunity to talk to this magnificent creature, and he'd managed to learn her name. Isabella she said but everyone calls me Izzy in deference to my grandmother who is also Isabella. 

Izzy came to the show  the next night, expecting to have a good time and thoroughly enjoying herself. Jon had given her front row seats for her and her best friend Kim. He'd also unbeknown to the girls arranged for them to come backstage to the after show party. 

Arriving backstage just as the band was entering the after party room, Izzy and Kim were awed at the sights and sounds that surrounded them.

Jon managed to steal away to a corner with Izzy and the two sat talking until the wee hours of the night. Kim in the meantime had managed to catch the attention of Richie who kept her entertained with his goofy antics and his funny impressions.

Izzy and Jon and Kim and Richie spent as much time together as they could, and soon Richie and Kim were engaged. Izzy was elated for her best friend and couldn't have picked a better man than Richie for her. She was however, a bit disheartened that Jon hadn't even hinted at popping the question.

 ******************************************************
2005

 Richie and Kim's wedding was beautiful, flowers everywhere, Richie singing a song he wrote just for her. Kim looked beautiful in her wedding dress, and Izzy was her head bridesmaid. Kim had forgone the maid-of-honor out of respect for Izzy, since Jon still hadn't pulled his head out of his ass long enough to realize that Izzy's heart was breaking with every wedding plan she helped Kim with. 

Waving at her best friend as she and Richie drove off to board the plane for their honeymoon, the tears that Izzy had been holding back finally unleashed.

Getting in the car with Jon, Izzy couldn't hold back any longer. "Jon do you love me? I mean really love me?" she asked turning to him in the drivers seat. "Izzy you know I do, I have since the moment I laid eyes on you in that restaurant in Dallas." Jon replied, still oblivious to the hurt in her eyes. "Then why haven't you proposed? Or even hinted at the fact that you WANT to marry me?" Izzy cried, covering her face. Oh boy here we go again "Izzy we've been over this, it's not you...honey believe me it's not that I don't want to marry you...it's that I don't want to get married again...ever." Jon said trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"Well Jon, I'm not happy with that, I want to get married, I want to have children, I want a family. And if you are unwilling to be the man that marries me and is the father of my children, then...then...it's over." Izzy cried, flinging the door to the car open and rushing out. 

"Izzy wait...please" Jon called after her, but it was too late, she'd already headed to Kim's parents car and they were pulling away. 

Izzy had Kim's mother go and gather her things from Jon's house, so he didn't even get the opportunity to talk to her then. Izzy wouldn't talk to him on the phone, all his letters came back return to sender.

It really was over between them.

******************************************************

2008

RING....RING...RING

Glancing at the bedside clock Jon saw the green numbers glowing a bright 2:30 a.m. What in the hell...who is calling me this fucking early?  "Lo..." Jon muttered into the receiver. "Jon...Jon...JON DUDE wake the fuck up!" it was David and he was clearly upset about something. 

"Yo Dave I'm up man what's the deal you callin me at 2 am?" Jon asked running a hand over his face, trying to concentrate on David's words. "Jon man you've got to come to the hospital NOW...there's been an accident..." Snapping wide awake at those words, Jon sat up in bed. 

"Who David, is it Richie, Kim, one of the guys...what's...whose..." Jon was so agitated he barely registered David's next words. "It's Izzy, Jon, it's Izzy..." 

Jon's heart sank. Izzy...his Izzy after all this time. "I'll be right there David, where are you?" Jotting down the hospital and room number Jon dressed hastily and flew down to his car. 

When Jon arrived at the hospital, he was greeted by tears all around. The guys from the band were there, as well as wives, Richie and Kim were the last to come up to him. Kim was inconsolable. Richie held her as she fought for control. "Rich man, no one will tell me what's going on...Kim...what's..." just then Jon registered the pain in Richie's eyes and it hit him like a ton of bricks. 

"No...no...NO RICH..." Jon cried slumping to the floor. "Jesus Jon, I'm sorry man...I don't know what to say." Rich replied, handing Kim to David he crouched down to hug Jon. 

"It was an accident Jon, a drunk driver hit her head on. The doctors said it was instant...she didn't suffer." 

Jon's wail could be heard all over the hospital. He'd lost her for good, she was gone.

"For every heart you break, you pay a price.
But I can't forget the tears in her blue eyes."

************************************************************************************

2010

They were back in Texas, for the tour. Every time they played Texas, Jon became an ass. The guys tried to take it in stride, they knew he was still hurting. It had been two years, but he still couldn't bear to talk about it. Kim was with them this time, planning to give birth to her and Richie's daughter there in Texas. 

Jon's cell rang, checking the display he realized it was Richie. "Yo Rich man what's up?" Jon said a bit distracted. "Jon, Kim's in labor...we're at the hospital." Richie said unable to mask the worried excitement in his voice. "Rich man that's great, I'll be right there!" Jon replied hanging up.

Jon arrived at the hospital and waited with the other men in the band for Richie to appear from the labor room where Kim was. 

Finally Richie emerged, a giant grin on his face. It's a girl!!! He cried! Welcoming the congrats and slaps on the back from the men he considered his brothers. Pulling Jon to the side, Richie said "Jon, Kim and I would like to speak with you privately." Jon followed his brother into the room where Kim lay with the new baby girl.

"Jon..." Kim began, tears welling up in her eyes. "Jon, Richie and I wanted you to be the first to know, we've named the baby Francis Isabella Sambora, after you and Izzy. Jon's vision swam with tears...but he blinked them back. "Oh Rich man, Kim..." the tears that had threatened just moments before began to fall. 

It was at that moment that Francis opened her eyes and looked at her uncle Jon...looking back at him were a set of the bluest eyes in the world...eyes that he'd never forget.

We've Got Tonight

“Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely

All of my hopes, fading away

I've longed for love, like everyone else does

I know I'll keep searching, even after today

So there it is girl, I've said it all now

And here we are babe, what do you say?

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?

We've got tonight babe

Why don't you stay?”

The words of the Bob Seger song fell from Richie’s lips, and made him feel as if his heart was being ripped to shreds.

He hadn’t meant to push her away…but well he’d been hurt before and it was just in human nature to shy away from hurtful things.

Richie could see her from where he stood and sang, did she realize that the words he was singing were for her?

******************************************************************************************

Every word he sang pierced her heart like a thousand daggers. She knew that he was doing the song for her.

She wanted desperately to go to him and hold him and have the conversation that would make things right between them again, but she just couldn’t.

The hurtful things he’s said to her still rang in her ears. She knew he was hurting, but that didn’t give him any right to lash out and hurt her.

“I know it's late, I know you're weary

I know your plans don't include me

Still here we are, both of us lonely

Both of us lonely

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?

Let's make it ast, let's find a way

Turn out the light, come take my hand now

We've got tonight babe

Why don't you stay?

Why don't you stay?”

Turning to leave just as the ending notes of the song played. She felt the tenuous hold on her emotions break.

She’d love him forever, she knew that in her heart.

She just couldn’t and wouldn’t allow a man no matter who he was to treat her the way he had.

**************************************************************************************

Richie knew he fucked up…Just as the ending notes of the song were playing he saw her turn and walk out. Pause at the door, a sob making her entire body shake, then keep going.

He wanted so badly to run after her, to grab her and apologize to her. To try and say something that would make things right between them.

However, his mistress called him, in the form of another encore…

He could only watch her as she walked away from him…forever.

Wild Is The Wind

Wild Is The Wind


I tried to make you happy

You know I tried so hard to be

What you hoped that I would be

I gave you what wanted

God couldn't give you what you need

You wanted more from me

Than I could ever be

You wanted heart and soul

But you didn't know, baby

Wild, wild is the wind

That takes me away from you

Cold is the night without your love

To see me through

Wild, wild is the wind

That blows through my heart

Wild is the wind,

Wild is the wind

You got to understand, baby

Wild is the wind

You need someone to hold you

Somebody to be there night and day

Someone to kiss your fears away

I just went on pretending

Too weak, too proud, too tough to say

I couldn't be the one

To make your dreams come true

That's why I had to run

Though I needed you, baby

Wild, wild is the wind

That takes me away from you

Cold is the night without your love

To see me through, baby

Wild, wild is the wind

That blows through my heart tonight

That tears us apart

Wild is the wind,

Wild is the wind

You got to understand, baby

Wild is the wind

[Solo]

Maybe a better man

Would live and die for you

Baby, a better man would

Never say goodbye to you

Wild, wild is the wind

That takes me away from you

Cold is the night without your love

To see me through, baby

Wild, wild is the wind

That blows through my heart tonight

That tears us apart

Wild is the wind,

Wild is the wind

You got to understand, baby

Wild is the wind



The sound of the front door slamming behind him as he left echoed loud into Jon’s soul. Tears threatened to overtake him as he piled his stuff into the backseat of the car. This is the right thing to do… he kept telling himself. Jen deserves way more than you can give her. We tried to make it work but damn it it’s just not going to work out.

Slamming the car into drive he pealed out of the driveway, leaving a good bit of his tires and his heart behind.

Jen lay on the bed sobbing, hearing the front door slam on her life with Jon had snapped the tenuous hold she had on the tears that had been brimming all day long.

She knew that he couldn’t be what she needed him to be, his music career was just taking off, and he couldn’t be the boyfriend that she needed. She hated to be the one all the time who had to be the heavy bitch and complain about the money but there was just never enough. God why does this have to be the end. Why couldn’t you give me the man I needed and make him be the man that I want also. The tears continued until she finally fell into a fitful, restless sleep.

Jon slammed into the small bungalow that he had shared with Richie when the band had first started out. It had been almost a year that he’d been living with Jen and not in the small bungalow but it felt as if he’d never left.

“Yo! Kidd, that you” he heard Richie call out from the converted 3rd bedroom that they’d turned to a sort of musical sanctuary. Nothing fancy, just their guitars plenty of booze and paper and pens.

“Yeah Rich it’s me bro! Back for good this time. He thought bitterly. Dropping his bags into the bedroom that used to be his, he headed into the back room. Finding Richie strumming his guitar and working on some new music. “What’s happenin’ bro?” Richie asked, sensing rather than asking if Jon needed to talk.

“Jen and I are over for good.” Jon sighed, I just couldn’t be the straight laced dude she needed me to be. You know she never out and out asked me to quit with my music but it was there…always unspoken in her eyes.”

Richie put his guitar down, and stretched. “Man that sucks, I wish I knew what to say to you. Maybe though it’s for the best. We’re about to take off and Jen really does need someone who can be there for her. She’s always been the needy one of the group.” Richie said.

“I know Rich, I really do…but it’s just hard, I love her ya know I really thought this time was going to be it for me.” Jon said rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m going to go shower and then I’m gonna head out to the bar, I need a drink.” Jon said rising from his chair.

“Mind a little company?” Richie smiled at him, he knew that Jon needed to let loose tonight, but he’d been friends with Jon for so long now, he also could sense that the man didn’t really want to be alone. He might not be the right gender for what Jon needed, but he was his best friend and he was damned if he was going to let some needy woman get in the way of Jon’s success.

Stripping down and stepping into the shower Jon leaned against the wall and let the hot water sluice down his back, relaxing the muscles there. She really is needy, and she wants so much from me all the time. Jon thought irritably. Getting dressed, he met Richie in the kitchen.

“Ready Kidd?” Richie said grabbing the keys to the car off the counter “I’ll drive.”



As the evening wore on Jon couldn’t get the driving melody of the song Richie was working on out of his head. That coupled with the feelings he was having about Jen and their relationship, he was in the mood to write.

Grabbing a pen and a stack of napkins from the bar, Jon barely noticed the bar around him. Richie had found a girl and was dancing the night away, leaving Jon alone at the corner table to pour his heart out.

The next day, Jon awoke and remembered the napkins from the night before. I wonder if… Striding down the hall he banged unceremoniously on Richie’s bedroom door. “Yo fucker meet me in the back room pronto!” Hearing Richie grumble he knew that he was up and would be back there soon enough.

“Kidd if I didn’t love you so damn much I’d kick your scrawny ass!” Richie groused as he walked in to the back room. “What is so god damned important that you couldn’t wait until a decent hour?”

Jon was strumming a guitar and looking at a series of napkins that he had scribbled all over.

“Hey man, can you play me that driving melody that you were playing yesterday when I came back?” Jon asked.

“Sure Kidd, what you got in mind?” Richie asked as he strapped on his guitar.

“Just working on something in my head…”Jon replied.

As Richie began to play Jon began to sing.

“I tried to make you happy, Lord knows I tried so hard to be what you hoped that I would be. I gave you what you wanted, God couldn’t give you what you need. You wanted more from me than I could ever be.”

Richie played on and harmonized as he saw fit, while Jon poured out his soul into the song that Richie just knew was a direct descent from his problems with Jen.

Six months later…

Jen had managed to stay away from anything that reminded her of Jon or the band. That part of her life was over, he was gone and while she was still broken inside, she knew it was for the best. Standing in line at the grocery store, she heard the D.J. come on and say

“And now guys and girls, here’s one from one of our own…let’s give it up Sayreville for our own Bon Jovi and Wild is the Wind…”

Jon’s voice and Richie’s haunting yet driving melody punched her like a fist in the gut.

“You need someone to hold you

Somebody to be there night and day

Someone to kiss your fears away

I just went on pretending

Too weak, too proud, too tough to say

I couldn't be the one

To make your dreams come true

That's why I had to run

Though I needed you, baby “

It was then that Jen knew it had been for the best. She still loved Jon but now she understood, it was in his blood this thing he did, his music. Wiping the tears that she found on her cheeks, Jen headed out into the sunshine. Knowing that at last, for sure that they had done the right thing.